There are more slang words for penis that for any other word in the English language, other than sexual intercourse. Trouser snake, John Henry, dick, prick, tool, cock… And most of these names, while somewhat affectionate, are also a bit abusive, insulting, or degrading. What is it with male sexuality?
Machismo expectations ride roughshod over men's sexuality. A "real man" is supposed to be a stud, and to "score" with countless (nameless) women. A true man is always ready for sex – anytime, anywhere. This mythical man has a large penis (surveys show that the majority of men believe that their penis is below average in size) and ever-present erections. Hetero is the only way to be.
Needless to say, these hyper-masculine expectations lead to a great deal of performance anxiety and low self-esteem among men. This cultural template has no place for tenderness, shyness, lack of confidence, or the desire to be playful and gentle in sexual relationships.
Men also may be handicapped by their lack of experience in talking about their feelings. When it's not possible to discuss anxiety-producing concerns, they usually get worse. Too many men are living in fear and dread of being found out to be less than the culturally-sanctioned masculine ideal.
Erections are, in fact, quite fragile. They dissipate easily under conditions of anxiety, nervousness, conflict and uncertainty. Performance anxiety is the major cause of erectile dysfunction. ED typically develops over time, beginning when a man experiences the loss of an erection once. The next time he is having sex, it's on his mind: will I lose it again? This mental process leads to increased anxiety, which leads to an increased likelihood that he will in fact lose his erection again. The next time it may be worse.
This problem is rooted in the view that sex is a performance – which means that there's an audience or an imagined critic or judge who will decide if it was a "good" performance. Add to that the belief that only penis-in-vagina intercourse is REAL sex, which requires a sustained erection, and there's even more pressure to perform. This anxiety leads to further degraded performance, and it can get worse from there.
Many men (and women) view sex as either a chore that they must do, or some kind of final exam that they're likely to flunk. What happened to the playful spontaneity of the "early days", when sex was fun, playful, exciting? When there was no pressure to perform? When everything was new? Boredom is a real issue when couples become overly routine in their sexual relationship.
Rapid ejaculation is also affected by anxiety. The more anxiety is present, the more likely one is to ejaculate quickly. When anxiety about sexual performance is present, it's likely that a great deal of focus goes to wondering how it will go, fearing the worst, trying to pretend that all is okay, and "spectatoring" – looking over your own shoulder as you are trying to "perform."
Okay, sex is supposed to be fun, pleasurable, spontaneous, playful, loving. Rigid ideas about what constitutes an acceptable performance of one's duties kill playfulness and pleasure and turn sex into anxiety-ridden drudgery.
Isn't there a better way? Of course there is. Men can recover their native curiosity, playfulness, tenderness and warmth and have delightful intimate exchanges with their partners.
The books recommended in this section cover the waterfront – from dealing with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, to prostate health, to how to have great sex, including multiple orgasms. Michael Castleman's Great Sex is a terrific handbook for any man who wants to know more!
Positive Sexuality Resources is a listing of recommended readings on many aspects of sexuality and human sexual behavior, with an emphasis on sexuality as an affirmative influence in our lives.
