We live in a culture that is simultaneously obsessed with sex – and sexually repressed! The magazines at the supermarket checkout offer "Ten Ways to Drive Your Lover Wild"; movies and television and song lyrics and porn and romance novels glorify fictional notions of sexuality; and the Bush administration persists in funding abstinence-only sex education programming.
A friend from Australia once said to me, "I'm glad we got the convicts – and you got the Puritans!" Visitors from other countries often remark upon the disconnect between America's prudish religiosity and the flourishing market in pornography and sexually suggestive advertising.
In Sex is Not a Natural Act and Other Essays, Dr. Lenore Tiefer points out that, for the higher primates, sexuality is learned behavior. In other words, it's not something humans instinctively know how to do, like cats and dogs and elephants and the other animals.
How do humans learn about sexuality? In contemporary American culture, children learn about sexuality from their parents, their friends, from the media, from sex-ed classes in school – and from porn. Michael Castleman, in Great Sex, says that the majority of contemporary sexuality education for American young people comes from viewing porn.
Castleman isn't casting judgments on porn per se – but he compares it to learning to drive by watching action movies, with high-speed chases through crowded city streets and spectacular crashes. Action movies are fun to watch, he says; but it's not the way you drive in the real world. Similarly, porn may be fun to watch, but it is not an accurate portrayal of real-world sexuality and relationships.
In my practice of sex therapy, I am often struck that one of the most important things that happens is that in my office it's possible to finally talk openly about sexuality. My office is a socially sanctioned, private and safe space in which to talk about things that can be talked about nowhere else. This is a sad reality for many people in America today – to feel that it is not acceptable to talk freely with their friends and family about this fundamental part of their personal identity!
When couples come for sex therapy, I often encourage them to talk openly about their sexual thoughts, feelings and desires. I liken it to the conversations they have about choosing a restaurant, or deciding what to have for dinner. One wants Chinese, the other wants Italian. Somehow they talk it out, explore the options, and come to an acceptable decision. They have dinner and move on. They may talk about their meal and say what they enjoyed and what they didn't enjoy so much. They may look forward to revisiting the particular restaurant – or they may decide that they will pass on that one in the future. When it's not possible for a couple to discuss their sexual relationship – as they might discuss their budget or their kids or their vacation plans – it's easy for problems to arise.
There is so much anxiety and shame surrounding sexuality in our culture! In many families children are given guidance about behavior, money, religion, education, career and a thousand other areas of life – without a word of guidance about their sexuality. Children can then only conclude that sexuality must be so dark, so shameful, and so dangerous that it cannot be talked about. They're on their own with it, and, since children are remarkably curious about themselves and the world, they seek other sources for their sexuality education. They turn to the 'experts' – their friends in the locker room, porn, romance novels, and television shows.
We all need to talk more about sexuality – not in an obsessive way, but as a normal part of life. Sexuality and secrecy are a recipe for shame, low self-esteem and self-doubt.
Reading a book is like having a conversation with the author. I often suggest a book to a couple for them to read aloud together. This can be a wonderful way to begin a lifelong conversation about their sexual relationship.
The recommended books in this section offer a remarkable variety of information on sexuality in contemporary society. Here you will find guidance for talking with your children, authoritative sexuality facts and information, relationship advice, books on tantra, polyamory, sadomasochism, infidelity, sexual politics in American culture, and much more.
Positive Sexuality Resources is a listing of recommended readings on many aspects of sexuality and human sexual behavior, with an emphasis on sexuality as an affirmative influence in our lives.
Historical Bibliography of Tantrais a sizeable bibliography that deals with all facets of Tantra and Tantric practice. It contains an introductory essay describing the historical development of Tantra and a contextualized approach to understanding modern Tantra.
